Music is an honest language

Dancing in Ibiza

Six of us spent about 48 hours in Ibiza this week. A small island off the coast of Spain known for the parties and DJs - we saw Sofi Tukker and Kygo on Sunday evening and then Afrojack and David Guetta on Monday. I’d heard of Kygo and David Guetta before and they were good shows, but Sofi Tukker was my favorite. In no small part because they were an opener, so dancing and moving about the crowd was more fun and manageable. And it’s fascinating to watch people. To notice how people show up, what draws their attention, and the collective energy that matches the ebb and flow of the music.

Feeling the music and dancing in the evening setting sun have a way of piercing walls of reserve and arrowing straight to tender emotions bringing them closer to the surface.

Music is a very honest language, as is dancing.

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People in Motion

The shows in Ibiza had very specific containers. The first opener started at 5 pm and people would gather gradually and the crowds would grow centered around the stage until the prompt end at 11 pm. Once you arrived you stayed in the venue and couldn’t go in and out. It was a consolidation of energy that created the musical experience.

The program has had a lot more people in motion, and much more permeable edges. It’s been a collection of staggered arrivals, people exploring other parts of Spain and Europe throughout August, and a wide spread of when people are leaving. Much of the group left around the 26th, with a few of us staying into the extra add-on week.

The flexible edges of Remote Year create a different group energy, one that allows for more wandering and weaker connections. As it should for adults with differing expectations, desires, and needs. A side effect is that there is a much less consolidated ending. It is not the finale of the show that ends with a light show, flames, and confetti. It ends with a smattering of departures and attempts to track who leaves when so I can say goodbye.

Two contrasting experiences. And both have their places, their strengths, and their weaknesses.

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Wherever we go, we carry ourselves with us

I said yes to almost every invitation and activity here. Filling the time with experiences and group gatherings. Wanting to forge connections that will carry. Friendships that might be fulfilling. And yet. I have good stories and pictures and fun moments in time. But very little belief that any of those relationships will spill out of this container.

I’m feeling unsettled. And I have been for a while. What does it even mean to settle down?

I suppose I’m trying to build a life with moveable anchors that I can carry with me wherever I go. Because wherever I go I carry myself with me. I don’t become a new person in a new place. I have the same preferences and routines and tenderness and desires and walls and reserve.

I have not become a new person here. Beyond the collection of new experiences, insights, and moments that build up to more than the whole. But there is no drastic change. No huge shift in self. I came to another country for a month looking for something. Seeking a shift. Hoping to add cracks in the walls around my vulnerability. And maybe there are more now than before. I’m not sure I can tell yet.

Life has just been me practicing honesty with myself. I’m less and less willing to pretend anything. Pretend work. Pretend rest. Pretend play. Pretend connection.

And also….

Small changes cascade over time into larger shifts that we might only see in hindsight. I can make choices and small changes.

And music is a very honest language.